


Five Times Connor Helped Evan

by Radioactivehelena



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy has a crush, Depression, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Treebros, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-15 02:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14782032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radioactivehelena/pseuds/Radioactivehelena
Summary: and the one time they help each otheror; the boys are awkward and in love





	1. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor meets Evan for the first time after /that/ incident

1.  
Connors least favorite class was probably psychology. Which was saying a lot considering the fact that he had to pass home ec before he even was allowed to take this class and had been waiting since freshmen year to get his hand on a sylibis. And it wasn't even that the class was inherently bad. Learning about the DSM was cool and so was the one gender studies lessons but… But it was hard to talk openly about his problems. And that seemed to come with taking this class.

It was just… triggering. Talking about depression and anxiety with a bunch of his peers who were probably just waiting for him to snap and throw another printer? No thanks.

So, when the time came for one of those pair up with a classmate type thing and talk about your issues Connor bailed. He sat in the back of the classroom with his feet kicked up on a desk, glaring at anyone who dared to ask to partner up. Connor didn't need anyone else getting an in depth look at his psyche. He already thought about how messed up he was enough.

The rubric still ended up on his desk though and he scoffed. Talk about how anxiety relates to teenagers with a partner and then present to the class at the end of the period.

Fucking bull shit Connor thought. He was definitely not doing this.

And then there was a shorter looking kid with dirty blonde hair and shaky hands at the end of Connors desk. His eyes were downcast, and his shoulders were hunched. He looked scared of Connor, just like everyone else. The moody teen didn't both to turn of his music. People being afraid of him pissed him off more, thus making him more scary, and in turn making people more scared. It was a vicious cycle. He pulled out one earbud and glared at the kid.

“U-u-uh…” the kid swallowed visibly and tugged at the hem of his shirt. “I-I-I'm Evan Hansen.”

 _Oooooh shit._ Connor thought. _It was the computer lab kid!_ He’d nearly forgotten about that little… incident. Sometimes he felt guilty about that. Mostly he didn't feel anything at all. Thank god for that  

“I-I-I-I know th-that you… you know me, I-I mean I think y-you r-remember m-me, but, uh, well I j-just, I don't know anyone in this class, a-a-and I've been doing these projects alone a-a-and Mrs.Smith t-t-told me I c-c-couldn't do that anymore so uh, um… a-and I know you don't… maybe….” Evan trailed off.

Connor could see him visibly shaking. He looked like a deer caught in headlights, desperately searching for some kind of mercy. It was sad, really. It struck something deep within him. Some kinda longing, that longing for a friend that had been tucked into the way back of Connors brain, long forgotten about by now.

“Uh, um, you d-d-don't have t-to work with me!” Evan started again, taking a deep breath. His voice was quiet and reserved. Like he was waiting for someone to talk over him. “I-I can work o-on my own, o-or just do half of the project, o-or whatever a-and then we can put it together at the end, I-I don't care, whatever you w-wann-”

“Shut up.” Connor muttered, pulling his head phones out the rest of the way and interrupting Evan. "I’ll work with you.”

“O-oh?” Evan pipped, lifting his head. The was surprise plain in his eyes.

“Yeah. You seem cool.” Evan swallowed thickly and nodded perhaps a little too enthusiastically. He seemed unsure of what to do next, still standing next to Connor and tugging on his shirt.

“Er, you gonna sit?” Connor asked with an edge to his voice. All this nervous energy was just making him nervous. Things were tense. The air was stiff. Neither one of them would make eye contact. Connor wasn't sure what to say or do and it put him on edge. Meeting new people put him on edge. Luckily Evan decided to pull up a chair just then. He made sure to keep his distance though which was nice. Both teens were trying their best to read the room while i'm a simultaneously trying to not let their anxieties swallow them whole.

“So uh…” Evan fished in his bag for a piece of paper. “Evan Hansen and C-Connor Murphy…” he started writing down their names.

“Yup that's me.” Connor chimed. “School psychopath.” Evan swallowed uncomfortable but Connor ignored it.

“Um a-a-aah, Teens And Anxiety.” Evan articulate, writing that down as a header.

There was another awkward pause. Connor hurried to fill it. “Um your cast came off.” He commented, ironically too anxious to talk about anxiety.

Evan looked down at his hand, which was now covered in an ace bandage, a flash of regret and panic crossing his features. Quickly, he swallowed it down. “Y-y-yeah! C-came off awhile ago…” there it was again. That silence that threatened to bury them alive. Then, “I-I’m s-sorry about that d-d-day! I-I uh, I-I didn't mean to… to… upset. you.” Evan cleared his throat. Before he could continue however, Connor cut in. Watching this kid try to talk must be like, a new form of torture.

“Don't sweat it dude.” And just like that half the tension left Evans body. I must of been half as worried about that as he was. Connor thought numbly and angled himself so he was sitting closer to the kid.

Suddenly things didn't seem as forced. It was as if all Evan needed to feel comfortable was Connor to accept his apology. Sure things were still clumsy, but neither boy would let the other fall completely. “So anxiety… I definitely got that shit covered.” Connor shrugged.

Evan laughed awkwardly, obviously uncomfortable with how much Connor was willing to share up front. “U-u-uh me too?”

“Uh, duh?” Connor tried to joke but Evans face fell. “Just the nervous ticks and all… sorry. Shit. I don't know why I said that. Sometimes I can't help myself. Maybe serves some fucked up masochist tendencies buried deep inside my psyche…” another awkward pause. Evan looked just about ready to die. “It's a joke! It's a joke! Again!” Damn it Murphy.

However, Evan gave a half hearted laugh and Connor counted it as a win. “I, um, yeah. I-I-I guess my a-a-anxiety’s fairly heightened.” Connor nodded, encouraging him to go on. “I-I-I g-guess it all started with daddy issues?” Evan tried for a laugh.

“Shit, me too.” Connor blurted out and watched as Evan scribbled family drama onto the piece of paper. Then he turned his big eyes onto Connor, waiting for more. Connor couldn't help but obligate. Fuck the color green.

“Ya know just…” he gave in “my dad's an asshole. If I'm not perfect then I'm not his son. And I'm always being compared to-” warily Connor continued. “to my sister Zoe. It's like I'm not allowed to have a personality! I just have to be… him!”

Evan nodded, taking a moment before he continued. “I… I'm sorry Connor. Th-th-that must suck.”

“It fucking does.” Those few words from Evan meant more to Connor then any half hearted advice from his mom or from his ‘friends’. That must suck. It does suck. Evan didn't try to pretend to know how it felt. He didn't try to solve Connors problems. He just knew it suck. “What about you? What about your dad?”

“Oh um...h… he's great!” Evan stuttered. His eyes were glued to the desk. Connor watched him warily as he slowly licked his lips. “I...I-I'm, im sorry I don't know why I said that. I actually d-don't have a dad.” Evan started whispering then and Connor perked up, feeling shame hot in his cheeks and deep in his gut.

“Oh god, I'm so sorry.”

“H-he's not dead!” Evan rushed to say and that made Connor feel a little better. “H-he’s just… n-n-not here.” Connor nodded, asking him to continue. It was nice to not have to talk about his problems for a second. And Evan had been so understanding, Connor needed to act the same. “A-a-and I guess… um, uh, I guess I feel like he doesn't love m-me very much. I-I have step siblings b-but I barely know them. A-and he s-s-spends a-all his t-t-time with them.” Evan swallowed thickly, voice thick and Connor figured this was his time to intervene. He didn't want this kid crying on him or some shit. No way. He could not handle crying. And definitely not some stranger crying on him, who he’s seen cry before and who he apparently had a very big weak spot for.

“You're dads a piece of shit.” Evans head snapped up. He looked stunned, with his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open ever so slightly. “You don't deserve that. You deserve respect, dude. I'm sorry about that.” Connor stole the paper and pencil, scribbling ‘shitty dads’ underneath Evans neat handwriting.

Evan shrugged. “It's um… yeah. I-i mean, that's just the start of it. I'm really a mess.” He laughed half heartedly and squirmed in his chair.

“Me too dude. Me too.” Connor sighed and leaned back. “God, fuck this project.” He looked around at his classmates who were all deep in conversation and doing their work like they were suppose to. “Let’s just get up there and play some Logic or some shit.”

“Logic?” Evan asked, obviously not too keen on that idea but also anxious to get out of public speaking.

“Yeah. You know? The band?” Connor asked raising an eyebrow. How had Evan Hansen never heard of Logic?

Evan just shook his head no.

“My god Hansen you need some culture! What kinda music do you even listen to?!” Connor exclaimed, ignoring the glares from his peers who were trying to work. Connor scowled right back at them.

 

“U-u-uuh, um, uh, w-whatever m-my mom likes.” Evan squeaked.

“Dude, you need to listen to some new stuff. Like, normal teenager stuff. You're coming over to my house asap and we're listening to Nirvana or some shit.”

“Okay!” Evan squeaked, and Connor couldn't tell if he agreed because he wanted to or because he was afraid to say no.

For their presentation Connor did all the talking, reading off the paper in a monotone voice. Evan stood behind him the whole time with wide eyes and shaky hands.

Connor talked about how anxiety stemmed from too much pressure at home and poor parenting and other bull shit he came up with on the spot.

They got an A. Connor didn't know why, but when he got his rubric back, on the top there was a little note with a smiley face that said. _Thanks for helping out Evan. He needs a friend._

Connor ripped it up and threw it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's it! I hope you all enjoyed 
> 
> I don't normally write in Connors POV so that's something new for me and I struggled with cannon VS noncannon but ya know, I'd say it turned out pretty well. 
> 
> Comments and likes are greatly appreciated!


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finds a cat and Connor is confused.

2.  
Connor found Evan with his head craned up to a get a better view of the tree the question, his hand in front of his eyes blocking the now setting sun. It’s was cute in the awkward type of way Evan always seems to be. He had dirt on his hands and he was wearing one of his signature blue polos. His brows were furrowed with worry. Connor was about to staunter up to him and turn that frown upside down but a misplaced meow startled him and he made his presence known with an awkward yelp of surprise. 

Evan turned around then, eyes wide, blinking to adjust to the lack of sunlight. He looked relieved to see Connor. Uh, thats new Connor thought dimly while simultaneously taking in the sight of Evan. He looked worse for wear from the last time Connor had seen him, his nails bitten down to stubs, his hair haphazardly skewed across his head like he’d been pulling on it. But he still looked distinctively like Evan, with those green eyes that were doing the same as Connors. Searching for any signs of distress. 

It was a late October night, and a Sunday nonetheless. While the boys had been enjoying each other's company in school, this was the first time they were together and not surrounded by their peers. It was weird. It was new. And if there was one thing Connor hated, it was anything new. 

Still, this was Evan. Evan who spent his lunch time in the library and cried over plants. Evan who stuttered his way through every conversation. Evan, who wouldn't hurt a fly. 

Connor cleared his throat to talk just as Evan spoke up, his cheeks flushed and eyes down cast. “Uh-uh, hi, sorry you go ahead.” The latter laughed awkwardly and tugged on his shirt as if willing it to grow three sizes bigger. 

Connor shook his head all nonchalant like, trying to make Evan as comfortable as possible. “No it's alright you go ahead.” He liked this kid. He liked Evan. He had been his first real friend in a while and there were just so many ways to fuck up. Especially when you're that kid who threw a printer from second grade. Interrupting him was not going to be one of the ways he pushed this guy away. 

“Oh…” Evan waited a beat of awkward silence for confirmation to go ahead then “sorry to drag you a-all the way out here I um, I needed some h-help, and I wasn't sure who else t-t-to text, a-and you were, you uh, you seemed like you could help, a-and I-I don't have many people's numbers, plus i’m only uh, suppose to call Jared in real emergencies, and you're tall so-” 

“Woah, woah, Hansen slow down.” Connor crossed his arms over his chest and shifted his weight onto his feet. “You're talking like a squirrel on crack. What's up?” 

Connor visible saw Evans chest rise and fall as he took a deep, steadying breath. “Uh, there's… tree… in the tree. There's a cat.” 

“A cat?” Connor asked slowly, making sure he had heard Evan right. Because that was… that was so Evan. 

Evan nodded, grabbing the end of his shirt to tug on. “Y-yeah… I-I just… I can't reach it a-and you're tall and I-I-I thought-”

“What do I look like the Goddamn fire department.” Connor joked with a smirk. However Evans face fell, and he rushed to defend himself. So much for being nonchalant and making Evan as comfortable as possible. 

“I-I… shit! Sorry, I just didn't know who to call, I'm sorry Connor, I thought the fire department had much better things to do then help me with this, I'm so sorry.” He starter babbling, looking more and more like a kicking puppy. Connor frowned, internally beating himself up for that. He’d definitely have to have a talk with himself later about how to not scare away new friends with crippling anxiety. 

“Um, you don't have to apologize.” He said a little awkwardly and uncrossed his arms. “It was just a joke.”

“O-oh.”

“Yeah, I think it's funny that you asked me to come here.” I think it's cute. “Now where is that bastard?” Connor asked, pushing up his sleeves and approaching the tree Evan had previously been sizing up. 

Evan moved over taken aback by Connors willingness to help. Connor tried to ignore the caution in Evan’s eyes. He had a task to focus on. 

Sure enough there was a little tabby cat stuck right out of reach pacing back and forth on the branch, precariously peering over the edge. Connor looked back to Evan. His normal anxiety seemed double with the fate of this little guy in his hands. So he was a tree person and an overall good citizen. Damn it. 

“Shit, how’d he even get up there?” Connor shook his head. Sure Connor was lanky but he wasn't that lanky. The cat was about an arms length out of reach, just far enough away to make it mildly infuriating. 

“C-cats like to c-climb trees.” Evan muttered, moving his fingers from where they’d previously been playing with the hem of his shirt to the bark of said tree. 

“No shit Sherlock.” Connor said, but lightly this time so Evan could catch his hint of sarcasm. “Er-so we need a plan…” 

Evan nodded and wiped the sweat from his hands on his pants. “U-um I was thinking, i-if you gave me a hand up… I c-c-could maybe grab the little guy and then h..h..hh…h...ha...” he took a quick breath, obviously annoyed with his stuttered and Connor waited patiently. “hand him down to you?!” 

“Sounds good, Hansen.” Connor shrugged and looked down at Evan nervously. Connor wasn't as strong as everyone always made him out to be, and he just hoped he didn't drop the boy. The only time he was really able to use his strength to his advantage was when he got mad, and even then that was more like a Hulk type of situation. “Your hand gonna be okay?”

“Sh-should be fine.” Evan muttered but he didn't sound so sure. Connor looked at the ace bandage in worry while Evan watched the cat like a hawk. “I-i-i-its getting late though… we should hurry.” With a sigh Connor nodded. He couldn't seem say no to Evan. 

As he leaned down to cup his hands into a makeshift stool he looked up briefly and made eye contact with Evan. It was sprinkled with awkwardness and longing for friendship and Evans cheeks twinged red at the prolonged eye contact, but he didn't look away so neither did Connor. They just stared at each other, Connor breathing lightly, afraid to scare away his new friend. However, a distressed meow broke them both out of their trance and Evan quickly looked up towards the cat. 

“Um, you know how to do this?” Connor asked, adjusting himself so he was more steady. He heard Evan swallow and nod more then saw and suddenly sweat hands were on his neck and on his back, trying to get a good grip. 

“Don't be nervous.” Connor said a little more bitterly then he intended too, but goddamnit Evan was literally manhandling him while simultaneously leaning on the tree and trying to get his one foot off the ground. If not for Connors complete and utter dedication not to drop the anxious teen both of them probably would have been in a heap on the forest floor. 

But then suddenly Connor felt Evans weight being lifted off him and he watched as his friend pulled himself up on a branch, a little breathless but mostly okay. For a second Evan closed his eyes and took in a deep breath of the autumn air. He looked content. He looked relieved. He looked totally at home. Most of the anxiety that seemed to plague him everyday left as the wind swept through the branches of the tree and messed up Evans hair even farther. It was sweet how comfortable he looked. Like nothing else mattered in the world but photosynthesis. 

Connor wished he had his phone. Or a camera. Instead all he had was this fleeting image of Evan Hansen being so careful, and kind, and sweet, completely in his element. This was Evan who wanted to help just as much as he wanted help. Evan, who was shy and afraid and wary on the ground, but secure and proud and himself when in his own world. 

Evan didn't have much time to relax though. The cat was hissing, it's back arched and tail up. It was precariously pawing down at Evan as if he was the anti-christ. To Connors surprise however, that didn't stop Evan. 

Instead he very carefully straightened up. With bravery from god knows where, Evan started cooing at the cat and timidly reaching out for it. A few hisses and scratched later the kitten was snug against Evans chest. It looked spooked, but overall alright. 

“U-um im g-g-g-g-gonna pass ‘em down now.” Evan squeaked, his voice betraying his fear. Connor nodded, a hand in front of his face blocking out the sun. 

“Ready whenever you are.” Connor cleared his throat and lifted up his arms. 

And then. 

Suddenly there was a small little ball of fluff in his hands looking up at him with wide, trusting, yellow eyes. The soft fur felt nice against his skin. It was a stark contrast to the normal calluses and scars that that littered his hands. 

The kitten gave him a meow of thanks and then jumped from his arms and ran into the woods. Connor watched it go, blinking back to reality when he heard Evan calling his name. 

“C-Connor? Connor?! Is she okay??” 

“What?” Connor asked. 

“The cat. Is she okay?!”

“Oh, yeah she is. Um, how do you know it's a she?” 

“C-c-c-calico cats a-are normally female.” Evan shrugged. “We should c-call her Willow.”

Connor blinked and looked back towards the bush. “I-I think it's a little too late for that.” Suddenly Evan was dropping down next to him, a little unsteady on his feet, but mostly okay. His hands were even more dirtier, and he was nursing his break, but his eyes were bright with accomplishment. 

“W-what do you mean?”

“Um… I think Willow ran away… er again.” Connor motioned towards the trees. 

“Oh. Yeah.” Evan nodded, looking disappointed but not surprised. “Of course.” There was a beat of silence, but it was more comfortable then awkward. 

Then Connor cleared his throat. “Do you want me to uh, walk you to your car or something?” His cheeks burned with embarrassment at such an open ended question. 

Evan kept his head down and shrugged. A shrug?! Connor thought bitterly what the hell does that mean?! This boy is harder to read then my own emotions! “Uh I-I-I kinda walked here… i-i just nn-n-n-n-needed a break from… the quiet at my house ya know?” Oh. 

Connor didn't know. He’d given anything to have that peace and quiet at his own house. Anything to get his Dad off his case and his Mom out of the house. But instead he just nodded. “Um, I can drive you home?” Connor offered sheepishly, trying not to think about how his Jeep smelled of pot. 

“Y-you wouldn't mind?” Evan asked a little too eagerly and Connor laughed. 

“Naw you’re all good.” He fished in his pocket for his keys and started turning on his heel to leave. “C'mon we better hurry, the suns already set. And then I can finally force you to listen to My Chemical Romance.” 

Evan stumbled after Connor, and didn't comment on the smell of his car (probably didn't know what it was) and the two of them drove with the windows down, the local alternative radio playing all the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey another chapter ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! As always I love hearing from people and I'll respond to every comment <3 
> 
> Life's been incredibly crazy recently but I'll try to update once a week!


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan go to Zoe's Jazz band concert. Panic ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - panic attacks, self loathing, Connor swears, a stutter written by an actual stutterer 
> 
> Let me know if I missed any!

3.

Connor was awkwardly standing next to Evan while he had a panic attack. 

Okay, well, it wasn't a panic attack yet, but it was about to get there. 

Connor had invited Evan to come to Zoe’s jazz band concert. He had decided to make a sorta play date out of just as long as Evan agreed not to be creepy about his sister. He had even offered to give him a ride and all. I just wanna get away from my parents. He said. I wanna spend more time with you. Is what he had meant. 

However Connor was extremely underprepared when it came to Evan social anxiety and uh, sorta maybe forgot to mention the crowd. It was mostly families and angsty teenagers wanting to support their friends who showed up, but that didn't stop Evan from planting his feet outside the auditorium door and refusing to go in. 

“Dude, cmon.” Connor complained, when Evan just, stopped, but then he turned around and realized. 

Evan was hyperventilating but doing a great job of hiding it. His hands were clenched tightly around the hem of his shirt and his eyes were trained on the auditorium door. His body was stiff and rigid, almost painfully so. Connor was hyper aware of the adults brushing by him, commenting on Evans ‘rude behavior.’ A child weaved in between the two of them yelling loudly about getting a good seat. Evan flinch. 

Connors first instinct was to fight. Fight whatever was making Evan anxious. Fight whatever was bothering his new best friend. Kill it dead. He couldn't however as he didn't know what was making his friend upset or if it was even tangible. 

So while Connors anger stewed, he considered flight. He looked over Evans appearance, pale face and clammy hands. Perhaps that was the best option.

Trying his best to stay level headed Connor grabbed Evan by the crook of his elbow and forcibly dragged him to the bathroom. All of this sudden anxiety was starting to get to him but he was trying best to remain level headed. He knew he needed to for Evans sake. 

Once they were alone Connor let go of Evans arm and tried to drop his glare. The former worked better than the latter. Connor was confused and upset and his natural instinct was to take it out on something. Anything. Unfortunately the closest anything was Evan. 

“What the hell Hansen?!” Connor snapped, sounding too much like his dad for comfort. Evan flinched and took an uneasy step backwards . He looked like a kicked puppy, his eyes now filling with tears. 

Damn it. 

“Shit, shit, I'm so sorry.” Connor took a step back. “I-I didn't mean to, I'm sorry Evan, I'm just… I'm overwhelmed. What's wrong? Please talk to me?”

Evan shook his head, gasping for air while simutasily choking down heavy sobs. It looked painful. His whole body shook as he came down from his adrenaline rush. He was trying to make it seem not as bad as it really was as to not embarrass himself or upset Connor farther. 

And damn it Connor knew he messed up, but really?! Did he deserve having to see one of the only things he cared about so much, suffer so much. 

Unsure what to do or how to help Connors hands fell to his sides. The anger left him. It took everything within Connor not to pull Evan into a hug and apologize. But he knew Evan needed his space. He knew he had to wait until Evan was ready. He didn't want to screw up again and trigger him even farther. Still, his heart ached and his eyes stung. Connor wished he could do more to help then just be there. 

Once Evan had caught his breath he looked up from the bathroom tile but he wouldn't make eye contact with Connor. His cheeks were red and his eyes swollen. He looked ashamed. 

“Hug?” Connor asked and Evan nodded timidly. The former very carefully opened his arms and engulfed Evan in his embrace. 

Slowly but surely Evan let out a shaky breath. His sniffles started to turn into quite sobs. Connor was just relieved Evan felt comfortable enough to cry in his arms. Even if he was breaking down. Again. 

“You're alright. I-i’ve got you.” Connor started to say unsteadily. Normally he was the one who had the panic attack. Normally he was the one who needed consoling. But now the roles were reversed. And it felt clumsy. However Connor refused to let Evan suffer alone, like he had so many times before. “I-it's okay… I've got you, uh, you can cry.”

After several minutes Evan peeled himself off of Connors shoulder and sniffled loudly. He looked in the mirror and with a start, laughed. He grabbed the counter, looking at his disheveled state in desibleive and at a stunned Connor. It was like he just couldn't help himself. This whole fiasco was so weird and uncomfortable and distinctly them. Not to mention he looked like a hot mess, with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. 

Quickly, Evan shut up. One more look at himself and the red hot shame almost knocked him out. 

“S-s-sorry…” Evan whispered and pawed at his eyes, turning in on himself. “I-I-I d-d..didn't.. I-I d-didnt mean t-to… to…t-t-to... to… arugh!” He cried out in frustration and hot tears were running down his face again collecting on his chin, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. 

Connor stood there like a fucking idiot for a solid ten seconds, shocked and scared and in utter disbelief at how someone so sweet could loathe themselves so much. This much hate was only supposed to be felt by him. By someone who deserved it. And Evan did not deserve this. 

Connor scooped him up again, letting Evan cry until his sobs turned into hiccups. “I-I-I'm not very good at this.” He admitted. “But if… if you wanna talk about what's wrong…?” 

“You’ll laugh…” Evan sniffled. 

Connor shook his head feverishly. The idea that he would even think about laughing... “No, no, no, no, no I won't. You can trust me.”

Evan sniffled again and nuzzled his head into Connors chest. He wasn't ready to let go of his friend and Connor wasn't too keen on the idea either. His fingers itched to run up and down Evan’s arm and to comfort him but Connor was wary. No matter how touch starved he was, he didn't want to scare Evan away. 

“I-I-I um, I… I just I saw all those p-p-people and…” Connor nodded in understanding, patiently waiting. “They… just… what’ll they think?! T-T-They might think might… I-I-I'm weird f-for just showing up, I-I d-don't even know anyone in the band!” 

“You know Zoe.” 

Evan lifted his head and gave Connor a look. It would have been intimidating if not for the red rings around his eyes and the snot dripping from his nose. “B-b-b-but… what if… what if people then… then people might… w-w-what if…” he was getting frustrated again, it was easy to tell. 

“Shush.” Connor cut him off, surprisingly gentle. “Who gives a shit what others think. Do you think you're a good person?” He grabbed Evans cheeks and cupped his face making him look him in the eyes. 

“No.”

Connor scoffed “Well… I think you're a cool dude, and...and isn't that what really matters?” Connor let go of Evan then, his own fingers shaking. He could smell Evan’s breath from this angle, and it was uncomfortable. Connor could tell he had overstepped a boundary 

With a shaky sigh Connor racked his hands through his hair. “What people think doesn't matter Hansen c-cause in a couple years they’ll be working at McDonalds while you own your own nature preserve or, or some shit!” Why am I yelling?! Connor thought to himself, but he didn't stop. “And you won't ever have to see them again! A-and you can save as many fucking kittens as you fucking want and and they’ll be living off child support and miminu-!”

“Connor!” Evan exclaimed gently. “Connor! Calm down… I-I… I just need a g-good cry that's all…” Evan looked startled, his hand protectively at his sides. Shit. 

“Shit.”

Connor took a deep breath and a step back. Then another. “S-sorry sometimes I just… I just don't shut up.” He groaned and put his head in his hands. “God, I'm so bad at this. I start freaking out the minute you start freaking out, some bull shi-”

“Connor!” Evan repeated, more harshly this time. “I-I...it's alright. I-I understand. Anxiety is… it's contagious. I get it…” he shook the tension out from his hands and closed his eyes for a second. “You're okay. W-w-w-e’re both okay. We’re in the boys bathroom in the highschool and nothing can get to us. We’re… we’re alright.”

“What are you doing?”

“C-coping skill… just go with it.”

“A-alright.” It was weird seeing their positions now reversed, but Evan was good at calming Connor down in a way that didn't set him off. Slowly he came down from his own panic attack. 

“Th-the people in the auditorium c-can't hurt us… we’ll be… we’ll be just fine. No one can hurts us.” Connor was feeling better. No one could hurt him. He wasn't going to hurt anyone. 

“Yeah and…” Connor looked up towards Evan, trying to catch his eyes. “If anyone says shit about you, I’ll beat them up.” 

Evan turned bright red but nodded sheepishly. “O-o-okay!” He squeaked. Connor shook his head, erasing the previous thoughts from his head like an etch a sketch but also laughing at Evan. Damn it. 

“We should go.” Connor sighed. “My parents will be worried.” He doubt they even noticed he wasn't in the auditorium, but the part of Connor that still clung to his big brother role didn't wanna miss Zoe preform. 

Evan nodded in agreement. “You're p-p-probably r-right.” He sighed and scrubbed at his eyes, trying to get rid of what evidence of tears he could. It didn't work very well. With a sigh he looked at Connor, and waited for him to take the lead. Connor obliged. 

He gently pushed the bathroom door open and saw the last couple stragglers heading into the auditorium. With a look behind his back to make sure Evan was following, Connor headed that way. He grabbed the first open seat he could find, tucked away in the back corner were no one could bother them. He let Evan sit on the inside, suddenly feeling protective and kept a watchful eye over those who passed them. 

Evan, supringly cuddled right up next to Connor, resting his head on the formers shoulder. Connor blamed it Evan’s tiredness - he must be exhausted after that panic attack - but he couldn't deny the anxiety that bubbled around in his stomach. 

Evan even nuzzled into his neck just as Mr. so and so started introducing the band in order to get a better view and Connor died. How could he not when he could feel Evans hair was against his chin and any sudden movement could scare him away and just shit he was so close. 

But then the band started playing. It was a little upbeat tune with no particular rhyme or reason that Connor could pick up on. But then again he’d never been considered the talented sibling. With everyone's attention on the music, Connor closed his eyes and let his attention fall onto Evan. 

The music sang in his ears while the rest of the world fell away. There was only him, and Evan. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Sorry for the late update finals are currently kicking my butt!


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> grap a scope at à la mode and then we're there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So AO3 won't let me use italics and it's quite infuriating. Their were a lot of 'em in this chapter and now they're just gone. 
> 
> Oh well.

4\. 

Evan was having an awful day. Connor could tell by the bags under his eyes and the way he dragged his feet through the hallways. It looked like he was in a daze, going through the motions instead of experiencing them. Connor knew how that felt. He knew how that felt all too well. 

In psychology when Mrs.Smith called on him, Evan jumped out of his skin and turned into a stuttering, sweaty mess in his chair. It made Connors gut churn. He couldn't explain why. 

When the bell finally rang he found his friend in the hallway and pulled him aside. “Let's ditch.” Connor muttered, dragging Evan towards his locker. It was sorta a spur of a moment decision, but Connor could tell Evan needed a break from the loud, congested hallways and the angsty, energetic crowds of teenagers that swarmed the classrooms. 

Evan blinked, clearly confused. “W-what? No we c-can't, w-well get in trouble!” He squeaked and gently pulled his arm back to his person. Connor sighed. He’d been expecting that. However, Evans expression didn't read as anxious. More… puzzled. The face of someone who was trying their best to stay grounded in reality. Connors gut clenched. Evan didn't deserve to feel that way. 

“Hansen, have you ever skipped school?”

“I-I-I-I’ve pretended t-to be sick and s-stay home…” Evan replied sheepishly. 

Conor shook his head. “Doesn't count. I mean like snuck out in the middle of the day, saw a movie and didn't come back, kinda ditch.” 

Evan shook his head. He kept his eyes down. 

“Then cmon! You gotta have a bucket list or some shit! Let's do it!”

“I-I dunno…”

“But you're a senior and your passing all your classes and it’ll be fun!” 

Evan thought about it for a minute and Connor let him, not wanting to pressure his friend. He just knew this would cheer Evan up. They could get some fresh air and maybe some pizza or something, and then stop by the pet store. Anything they wanted. Anything at all. 

Evan looked up towards Connor and slowly he cracked. “A-alright.” He muttered, ducking his head again. “But how?! A-and what are we even gonna do?!” Evan nearly screamed, and started bouncing on the balls of his feet. His nervous energy was contagious but Connor grabbed his hands from where they were pulling on a seam on his shirt in order to calm him down. 

“Just meet me before lunch alright?” 

Evan squeaked out an unaudible response. 

-

They met up in their usual spot, right in front of the library. Evan kept wiping his hands on his shirt and looking around nervously. Connor took that as his cue to try and keep his cool despite totally panicking inside. 

In theory, sneaking out would be rather easy. It took Connor a lot of work to convince Zoe to steal her good acquaintance’s, Alana Becks senior privilege pass in order for him to use it, (of course Connor didn't have senior privileges) and now it was sitting in his jean pants pocket. He had it all under control. 

Sure, Evan was a mess of anxiety and literally jumping up and down with adrenaline but it was under control. It was under control… right? Connor simply showed the hall monitor his pass and the guy let both him and Evan go. Connor was surprised. The hall pass didn't have his name on it, let alone his face. Thank god for monitors who only do their jobs when a girls skirt is too short. 

Once they made it to Connors Jeep, Evan let out a breath of relief for the both of them. Connor smirked despite the fact his nerves were on fire and his stomach was in knots. 

“Cmon Hansen, live a little.” He teased, unlocking his car doors. Since the last time Evan had driven with him, Connor had been sure to buy a shit ton of glade. The smell of skunk still lingered in the air but it had lightened up just enough so that it wasn't embarrassing. So that it was tolerable. 

“T-That's like, the o-opposite of what I want.” Evan joke breathlessly whilst climbing into the car. Connor shook his head in disbelief. 

“Damn, Hansen I didn't know you could make jokes like that.”

“O-oh… c-crap sorry t-t-today's just…” 

“No, no!” Connor started the engine and looked over at Evan. “It's fine. It's great. Are you kidding me?! I wanna down a bottle of Tide right now! So, Green Day or Fall Out Boy?”

-

Connor wasn't sure where he was going. Zoe had suggested the movies, but he wanted to give Evan one of the best days of his lives. And Connor was pretty sure an action film with a side of over buttered popcorn wouldn't do that. So instead he just focused on the open road and the body of the boy next to him. 

Everytime Evans head would bob up-and-down to the music or comment on a type of tree they passed Connor decided to take a right. Everytime Evan licked his lips or squirmed in his seat Connor took a left. 

He just couldn't help but be totally captivated by Evan Hansen. Evan seemed much more relaxed than he had been before he had escaped school. He even looked ready to fall asleep. Connor smiled softly. It was cute. It was pure, even if thinking that did making him a Tumblr emo. He just couldn't help it. Evan Hansen had to be the best thing that had ever happened to him. 

Evan Hansen made Connor Murphy want to try and do better. Evan Hansen made Connor want to apologize to his sister, and graduate highschool and be alive. Evan Hansen made Connors heart flip and his gut clench. 

“So,” Evan spoke up after a good fifteen minutes of Fall Out Boy, making Connor jump. “Where we h-headed a-a-anyways.” 

For some reason his mind kept wandering back to this ice cream shop he use to visit as a kid. The name escaped him, but Connor knew it was along the road they were driving on now, not too far away from the old apple orchard. 

Connor tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and suppressed a smile. “It's a surprise.” 

“No, no, no, no.” Evan sat up and blearily blinked the sleep out of his eyes. “I-I d-d-don't like surprises Connor, no please tell me.”

Connor smirked as he saw the little ice cream shop-oh yeah alamóde was it's name!-up head. “Hey, Hansen, it's alright we're literally already there.” Connor switched on his turning signal despite being the only car in the road and looked over at Evan. “Uh, want some ice cream?”

Evan shook his head in disbelief. “Y-you're a child Connor Murphy you know that?” He laughed and slumped back against the car window. “Th-th-thanks though… I really… I really did need a break from school.”

Connor nodded, the sudden sincerity in Evans voice catching him off guard. Luckily the car was stopped, now in a parking spot, or else Connor would have had to stop the car. “Of course dude. It's the least I could do.”

“N-no I mean, I just-I-I'm always causing problems and you're always fixing them an-”

Connor put up his hand to cut Evan off. “That's where I'm gonna stop you Hansen. This is the farthest thing from a problem. Actually, this is fun. And a panic attack once and awhile? Nothing Connor Murphy can't handle.” Evan turned to look at Connor, blinking in disbelief. “I don't mind helping you dude. That's what friends are for. Now cmon, I'm starving.” 

Evan nodded frantically, clicking off his seatbelt and stumbling out of the car as Connor turned it off. Then Connor met him on his side and closed his door for him, giving Evan a sheepish smile. Something deep in Connors gut ached to reach out and grab Evans hands but he restrained himself. Not now. Today was about what Evan needed, not Connors wants. 

“So,” Connor started leading the way towards à la mode “This place is awesome. They have over twenty flavors of soft serve.”

Evan furrowed his eyebrows together but smiled softly. “Really? Th-that's cool! I-I-I s-s-sorta just-just like vanilla..” 

Connors heart ached. Of course you would, he thought. “Lame.” He smirked. “I like caramel peanut butter.” 

Evan made a face as Connor pulled open the front door of the little shop. “E-e-e-eww! That's n-nasty!” 

Connor turned to Evan, fake offense written all over his face. “It's not nasty! It's… it's.. it's good. At least I don't like vanilla.” 

“Hey it's a classic!”

“Whatever you say Hansen, whatever you say.” He laughed and shook his head. 

They were teasing each other sure, but it was all in good fun. Evan knew Connor meant nothing by his harsh words. And Connor? Connor was just happy a ghost of a smile danced on Evans lips.

As they sauntered up to the counter Connors hand continuously brushed against Evans, making the former boys heart jump into his throat. Evan didn't seem to mind however, just kept letting his hand gently skim against Connors every now and then, and perpetuating that vanilla ice cream really is the best Connor, are you kidding me, it goes great with pie and cheesecake and…

Once they had ordered their ice creams and settled in a booth- Connor with a peanut butter caramel sundae and Evan with a vanilla ice cream cone - a comfortable silence fell over them. 

Evan was squished all the way into the inside of the booth and Connor was leaning heavily on him. They were a tangle of long limbs, frozen brains and warm hearts. The only sounds were those of the radio softly playing in the background and Evan or Connor periodically saying “yuuum.” 

It was comfortable and Evan seemed to be doing alright now. Once his cone was done he snuggled up to Connor even more and watched him as he finished, gratefully accepting spoonfuls of his ice cream every now and then. The autumn air buzzed outside and Taylor swift sang in their ears. Connor longed to lean over and kiss the top of Evan's head. Instead he gave him another bite of his sundae. 

Connor could stay this way forever, two friends on a perfect day. .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!! <3 
> 
> I always enjoy comments and kudos and see ya later!


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a sick day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw - panic attack, mentions of suicide and self hate. Let me know if I let any out!
> 
> ao3 still won't let me use italic's so,,, I'm suffering.

5.

Evan had texted Connor earlier that day telling him that he was sick. That he couldn't make it to school and he was suffering from a high fever. That he would see him on Monday. 

Right after the final bell Connor speed home and starter digging through his moms old cook books. He was determined to see Evan well before Monday and already had an excuse as to why he needed to show up at his door on a random Friday afternoon. 

When he was finished with said excuse, Connor had a dish that could give even the best salmonella. How he could mess up soup so horribly, he didn't know, but he did know there was no way Evan was touching that with a ten foot pole, even if Connor said please. The kid maybe nice, but he wasn't that nice. 

So instead Connor grabbed some Campbell’s, threw it in the microwave and pulled out his phone, waiting for it to heat up. As he did so, Zoe walked in, dropping her bag at the kitchen table. She didn't even bother to look up at Connor. 

“Trying moms new liquid diet?” She asked, pursuing her lips. Even after the whole, ‘can I have your friends senior pass’ fiasco they weren't on the best of terms. Connor had hoped that maybe it would create some good old sibling bonding but alas no luck. It just seemed they were destined to despise each other forever. 

“Does soup really count as a liquid?” Connor countered, ignoring her sarcasm. He’d been trying his best to have a better relationship with his sister, he really had. Even if Evan was the reasoning behind that. And if that meant biting back a nasty comment, then so be it. 

Zoe straighten up and looked over at Connor quizitivily. “I dunno, is ketchup a sauce?” 

“Only if you try hard enough.” Connor replied with a smirk just as the microwave beeped, putting an end to their conversation. He silently thanked whatever god was up above for that. The kinda questions he asked himself when he was high were not the questions he wanted to discuss with his little sister, sibling rivalry or none. 

He turned around to grab an oven mitt, unaware of his sister watching him with curious eyes. 

“What's the soup about anyways?” 

“Evans sick.” He replied, pouring the meal into a ziplock container. 

“Oh…” Zoe's voice sounded far away. Connor barely noticed. “You really care about him huh?” 

Connor turned around then, really looking at his sister in what seemed like the first time in years. Zoe had bags under her eyes. She was sitting down, but her whole body was rigid, like she needed to be ready to run at a moments notice. Ready to run from Connor. 

‘You really care about him huh?’ 

But I also really care about you. 

“Yeah.” Connor replied plainly and turned back around. All this emotion, and over-protectiveness, and brotherly love was too much for him right now. 

“Just don't fuck it up.” Zoe smirked, sensing the shift in Connors mood. That was more like it. 

-

Connor showed up at Evans house cradling the bowl in his hands, looking like a mad man. He may have broken the speed limit several times but he didn't get caught, but that was what really mattered. 

Evan answered the door, wearing a tee shirt that looked two sizes too big and heavy sweatpants. His nose was red and his eyes had big purple bags under them. His skin was pale and slick with sweat. The second he saw Connor his eyes widened comically so. He tried to take a step back, but staggered. All in all, he looked like shit. 

“O-o-o-oh! H-hey!” He squeaked… gripping the door handle so tightly his knuckles turned white. “W-what a-are you d-d-doing here?” 

Connor felt his heart fall to his gut but pushed the feelings of disappointment aside. Was Evan not excited to see him? “You uh, you said you were sick so,” he shifted the bowl so it was in both of his hands and shoved it towards Evan, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face and Evan nodded. 

“U-u-uh, y-yeah…” he swallowed thickly, looking at the soup for a minute. “I-I did say that didn't I…” then he looked back up at Connor with eyes so panicked it almost made Connor drop the dish all over the floor. “Yeah i did say that didn't I!” He all but screamed and threw the door open the rest of the way. “Would you like to come in?” He was still yelling. It was concerning, but Connor stepped inside anyways, playing it off on Evans illness. 

“You feeling any better?” Connor asked, letting Evan take the soup and lead him into the kitchen. Evan just nodded in reply and turned to face Connor after shutting the refrigerator. 

In the back of his mind, Connor realized this was the first time he had ever visited Evans house. It was cozy, with pictures of Evan hanging all over the walls. Evan on the first day of fifth grade. Evan on Halloween. Evan flashing a thumbs up in front of a sign for the local park. It was a little messy, some laundry and dished still needing to be put away but at least it wasn't pretending to something it was not (like his own house). It felt safe. It felt like a place you called home and meant it. 

“Uh, did you n-n-n-need something?!” Evan asked, snapping Connor out of his thoughts. He still looked distressed. He wrapped his arms around himself, then decided that that wasn't comfortable and started to bite his fingernails, and when that didn't satisfy his nervous energy he settled on tugging at his tee shirt. 

Connor frowned. “I just wanted to see you.” The softness in his voice shocked even himself. Zoe saying ‘don't fuck it up’ reverberated around his skull. 

“What? Why?” Evan asked, now rubbing at his eyes, his head down. He sounded genuinely confused. Like no one would ever want to see him.  
It twisted something deep within Connor. Something dark that scared even him. 

“Because you're my friend.” Connor replied simply, trying to get Evan to look at him from across the kitchen. The tension in the room was breathing down both of their necks, it was suffocating. Connor wanted to leave. He wanted to take Evan, and leave, as if that would fix everything. But this was a problem he couldn't just run away from. 

Evan kept his gaze away from Connor’s. He was visibly shaking and now he was clenching and unclenching his fists rapidly. “A-... pro….” he shook his head harshly and Connor furrowed his brows. Everything inside of him was screaming that something was wrong, wrong, wrong, but he didn't know how to help. Yes, he knew that Evan liked physical affection but he also liked his space and to talk things out. It was killing Connor that he didn't know what to do. 

“R-Really?” Evan asked shyly, like he was afraid to talk. Like he might be scolded. “Am I r-r-really y-your friend?” 

He looked so small and alone in that moment, Connor would do anything to trade places with him. To take all the hurt away from Evan and give it to himself. These were thoughts that no one should have to think, specially Evan Hansen. 

“Evan,” Connor shook his head in disbelief. “Of course you are. Of course you are.” He took a step closer, careful of Evans boundaries. “I love doing things with you. I love spending time with you. I love going on drives with you, or listening to you talk, or just being around you!” I'm in love with you he wanted to say, but couldn't. How could he? How could Connor even think about ruining the friendship they had with those three simple words. 

“You're one of the first people who hasn’t… hasn’t treated me like I was broken, or needed to be fixed and I can never repay you for that. Evan Hansen you’re my god damn, fucking, best friend.” and i’m in love with you. 

Suddenly there were arms around Connor and hair in his face and hands gripping the back of his shirt. It was startling, but it was alright. Evan was crying, sobbing, but he was okay. Connor buried his face in the top of Evan’s head and took a deep breath, letting himself come undone as much as the situation called for. He still needed to be strong for Evan, but it would never not be terrifying seeing him like that, trembling like a leaf and sobbing like a newborn. “Why don’t we move to the couch?” Connor asked softly, pulling away from Evan after a minute to look into his deep green eyes. Evan looked away but nodded. 

Not letting go of him, Connor moved Evan to the living room, holding his friends hands in own. Connor couldn’t help but marvel at how small it was compared to his yet, how perfectly they seemed to fit together. 

Once at the couch Connor’s new found confidence disbursed. He looked at Evan, over their hands, who was still sniffling, feeling stumped. Over a fucking piece of furniture. It was just… weird. This wasn't his house. He shouldn't be bossing evan around. Connor didn’t even know what the upstairs looked like. Yet here he was, taking charge and “being a man”. If only his dad could see him now...

“W-w-wanna watch a movie?” Evan asked timidly and Connor nodded rapidly, letting his hand drop from Evans. The atmosphere turned awkward instantaneously and Connor wasn't sure what to do with himself. He was suddenly very aware of how foreign Evans house really was to him. Was his mom even home?? 

“Is Harry Potter okay?” Evan asked, holding up a DVD and pulling Connor from his spiraling thoughts. 

“Yeah.” Connor cleared his throat and sat down at the very edge of the couch. “I’ve uh, i’ve never seen it.” 

Evans eyes widened and he flipped around from where he had been fiddling with the T.V.. He gaped at Connor. It would have been hysterical if the remadmemts from his earlier panic attack weren't still immensely visible on his face. “Y-you’ve never seen Harry Potter?!” he cried.

Connor shrugged. “Yeah I guess.” Evan blinked at him, looking for more. “I mean my mom was in her crazy christian phase when it was really popular, so I guess I never just got the chance.” 

“Oh.” Evan’s face fell. “I'm sorry.” Connor shifted on the couch, feeling uncomfortable. 

“It’s fine Hansen.” Suddenly he couldn’t help the smile that ghosted his lips. “I’ll watch it with you. It’ll be special.”

Evan quickly turned around then, “yeah!” He smiled, standing up and heading towards Connor. “Special.” Evan said the word slowly, testing it out on his tongue. Then, as if nothing had even happened he pressed play on the remote. 

Evans splotchy face may have had hid his blush well, but Connor was a mushy mess. Here he was, with the most important boy in the world at his side, and all he could do was blurt out nonsense like ‘it’ll be special’.

Ugh, cut the crap Murphy, he thought. Just kiss him already. 

Evan was curled up on the one end of the couch, his eyes were glued to the screen, watching with rapt attention. Every now and then his lips would quirk up in a smile or he would stare at the T.V. in shock and his mouth would contours into an ‘o’. It made it very hard to pay attention to the much of anything else, let alone a movie. Connor sat rigid and watched Evan the whole time. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off him. 

A quarter of the way through the movie, the urge to scope evan up and whisk him away became unbearable. Ignoring his own awkwardness, (and his anxiety screaming at him to kill himself) Connor stretched his legs out and let his toes brush over Evans knees. 

Looking over quickly, he noticed that Evan was curling into an even tighter ball now, obviously pretending to watch the movie. He was attempting to make himself smaller, his chest rising and falling rapidly and… oh no? Was he about to have another panic attack? Moving quickly, Connor sat up. 

“Evan?” Connor asked. His voice sounded foreign, even to himself. “Would you like to… ya know…” with bright red cheeks Connor made vague hand gestures that did not at all indicate what he meant. Evan blinked, processing his words for a second, then completely understood. 

“D-do you want to?” 

“I wouldn't ask you if I didn't.” 

Evan nodded and stood up, obviously unaware of what to do next. He was bouncing from foot to foot and clenching his fists uncertainty. 

Connor cringed at himself, but just opened his arms for Evan to climb into his lap. It seemed to be the right thing to do however, as Evan nervously started to snuggle up to Connor. 

It was clumsy and stiff. Elbows were stabbed into ribs and they accidentally headbutted each other once before they were each comfortable. 

But love isn't all roses and chocolates. Sometimes it's campbell's soup and a Harry Potter marathon. 

Eventually Evan was tucked into Connors side, facing the T.V.. Connor was spooning Evan from behind, running his hands up and down Evans arms, through his hair, in circles on his back. He watched in amazement as the tension slowly left Evans body and he started to doze off, Connor holding Evan tightly. 

No one had ever let Connor touch them like this before. They had always been scared he would hurt them somehow or that he was unaware of his own strength. But now that Evan was safe and secure in his arms it was evident that nothing would happen. And Connor, of course, wouldn't let anything happen. 

As Evan drifted off, barely able to keep his eyes open, he turned around to face Connor. “I-I wasn't sick…” he whispered. Connor frowned as the Harry Potter theme played in the background. 

“What do you mean?” He asked softly, pushing back Evans hair. 

“Hmh…” Evan hummed, nuzzling into Connors touched. “It's just… it was anxiety. I couldn't get up this morning. M-my mom let me stay home.” 

Connor nodded in understanding even though Evan couldn't see him. “I get it.” He muttered, and studied Evans face, committing how peaceful he looked to memory. 

Evan shook his head though, obviously fighting off sleep. “I-I-I'm sorry…” he slurred. 

“For what?” Connor frowned, cupping Evans face in his hands. 

“F-for…” Evan yawned. “Making ya worry.” 

Connors frown deepened and he knit his eyebrows together in thought. “It's alright Evan. I care about you okay? Don't forget that?” 

Evan nodded, but he was already in between the world of sleep and wake, numb to the real world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember their is still one more chapter left! 
> 
> However, I'm going away for a month, so when will it be posted, the world may never know?  
> For updates check out my tumblr - radioactivehelena!


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finds out why Evans been ignoring him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning - anxiety, depression, violence, suicide mentions, this is a heavy chapter so be careful!

6.

  
Connor had been waiting all month for Evan to text him back. Their little fiasco from a while ago still had him shaken, and desperately craving more. Connor wanted to hold Evan, comfort him and tell him that he’d never let anything hurt him.

Evan, however, seemed to have different ideas. He’d been avoiding Connor, switching seats in psychology and skipping there lunches in the library. Eventually he stopped showing up to school all together. Connor would have been mad, he would have been pissed, if he totally didn't get it. Why would the perfectly amazing Evan Hansen wanna hang out with him?

One thing that did worry Connor, however, was the complete and utter lack of Evan from school.  
Evan only missed school for two occasions; he was sick, or he was too anxious to show up. But days turned into a week, turned into two and and then three and it all become too much.

Was Connor _really_ _that_ bad?

His thoughts were murky as he made his way to eighth period, another day almost over with. He was in a haze, his body working on autopilot but his mind working on overdrive.

He’d been so alone. Connor had literally been counting down the days to his death, his headphone’s his only friend. But he had meet Evan.

Evan who encouraged Connor to take off his headphones and just _listen_. Listen to the rustle of the trees, the wind in his hair, and the way his heart beat. When Evans hand brushed against his, Connor felt alive. When Evans deep green eyes looked into his, he felt whole. Evan made Connor feel appreciated and safe.

Now that he’d gotten a taste of friendship, got to experience love and companionship in his rawest form Connor didn't want to give that up, he couldn't give that up.

As the bell rang Connor made his way to his car in a daze. He felt the distantly familiar dread that the weekend so often use to bring, before he meet Evan. He’d be stuck back in his house with his dad, with his mom, with _Zoe_. Zoe would know something is up, and she would ask, meddle and dig until she found what she was looking for. Connor just knew it. He clenched his fists as a recognizably obnoxious voice started screaming at the other end of the parking lot, waking him from his thoughts.

It was Jared Kleinman.

Connor wasn't thinking as he sauntered over to the annoying little asshole. He wasn't thinking as he let his body take over, shoulder tense and fists shoved in pockets. He let muscle memory-from all the fights he’d ever been in-take control. His blood was boiling.

He’d spent the past few weeks worried about Evan, shooting him a texts with nothing in reply. He’d called him, even contemplated ringing his doorbell, but decided against it when he saw the driveway empty. Something deep within Connor was screaming. Screaming that Evan was in trouble. That something had gone horribly, horribly wrong. It rang shrill and harsh in his ears. It weighed tight and heavy in his chest. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe.

“The fuck happened to Evan.” Connor snapped, grabbing Kleinman by the front of his shirt. Everything was painted a deep red. The cars in the parking lot, the terror in Jared's eyes, the tremor in Connors hands. He couldn't control the panic that had a vice grip on his mind.

“Excuse me?” Jared just asked, nervously looking from side to side, anywhere but at the intimidating teen in front of him. He was obviously trying to remain his composure, but it wasn't working. His eyes were wide in shock and terror. Connor almost could have smirked.

“What happened to Evan?! Where is he?!” Connor spat, shaking Jared by his shirt to get his point across.

Jared’s face contoured in confusion as he squirmed under Connors murderous glare. “I dunno dude! He's not my boyfriend! I thought he was spending time with _you_!”

Wrong answer. Connor threw Jared on the ground, hard. A yelp of pain came from the smaller boy as he landed, struggling to catch himself. Connor’s hands were shaking. He was pissed. He couldn't control himself anymore.

“Kleinman, I'm fucking serious.” Connor sneered, towering over the quaking boy.

“W-w-what?!” Jared squeaked, stumbling away from the man who glared at him. “I-I dunno what you're talking about Murphy! You're fucking insane!” There were no sarcastic remarks or witty side comments. Connor was fuming and Jared was obviously scared.

“I said where. is. Evan?!” Connor breathed out heavily through his nose, deadly calm at the moment. Connor knew he had to slow down, he knew he couldn't get caught in a fight again or he’d be shipped away to some cushy psych ward on the east coast, very, _very_ , far away from Evan. But Jared didn't answer him, just winced as he waited for the next hit. His hand was up in front of his face, covering his glasses like the pathetic kid he was.

“I SAID WHERES EVAN! H-He's-” Connors voice cracked, his throat closing up. He clenched his fist and pulled back his arm in retaliation, ready to strike and, determined to not come off as weak.

_Evan might be dead. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, You didn't deserve him and now he was gone... I need to be strong. What had dad always told you? Man up, Just man up, Murphy and fucking hit him-_

Suddenly there were hands on Connor shoulders - familiar hands - and they were tugging him in for a hug, unafraid and so warm. The tears spilled from Connors eyes before he even knew who it was that was holding him. He couldn't help but cry and cry and he buried his face in the shoulder of the person holding him. He was quickly reduced to snotty, messy, sobs. The person holding him didn't seem to care though, and let Connor continue to ruin their blue polo shirt.

_Wait…_

“Evan?!” Connor gasped, his head snapping up, searching for those familiar green eyes. Evan smiled sheepishly and hung his head in shame. It wasn't the smile that Connor was use to, the one that lit up his whole face and made passer-goers stop and stare. This smile barely reached his eyes. It looked broken. It looked sad. But it still looked distinctly Evan.

“Yeah…” he said softly and Connor choked on another sob. The rest of the tension left his body and he let Evan shield him from the judgemental eyes of Jared Kleinman. Jared was still firmly seated on the pavement, waves of shock rolling over him. He hadn't talked to Evan in _weeks_ and yet here he was.

People stopped and stared as they made their way to the buses, but Connor ignored them. He had no other choice, as the salty tears kept spilling down his cheeks. “Where the fuck have you been?!” Connor managed to choke out, hunching over to hide himself in Evans chest even more. He smelt like pine and laundry detergent. His shirt was soft and his hands were gently. It was everything Connor missed. _Had it only been three weeks?_

Evan ignored Connors question, as ran his hand up and down his friends back, stunned by the responds to his reemergence.

“Fucking… fucking answer me.” Connor spat heavily. The anger was still there, as well as the need for an answer to why Evan had abandoned him.

“Not… not here…” Evan answered carefully. He made eye contact with a very stunned Jared over Connors shoulders and hugged the latter harder. “Are you well enough to drive?”

Hell no, Connor thought, but he’d driven under much worse circumstances before. “Y-y-yeah of course.” He muttered, carefully detangling himself from Evan.

Now that he’d gotten a good look at him, Connor realized how _awful_ his friend looked. Evan had eye bags that rivaled even his. His skin was pale, it looked like he’d lost weight and his fingernails were bitten down to the stubs, almost painfully so. It physically hurt Connor's heart. He didn't want the boy he cared so much about to feel so poorly that his physical state was affected. Evan didn't deserve that, even if he did abandon Connor.

Numbly, Connor realized Evan was doing the same thing, taking in Connors own disheveled state. He squirm under the scrutiny. Connor wasn't use to attention, much less positive attention. It made his heart do a weird floppy thing that he couldn't explain.

However Jared klieman decided to barge in at that exact moment, never one to be left on the sidelines. “Dude!” He cried, snapping both of them out of their thoughts. “Your boyfriend almost killed me and you don't even care!”

Jared had stood up from his spot on the ground, and was now glaring at Evan. “You ignore me for weeks for… for… for him-then just disappear and what the fuck?!” He snapped.

Connor took a step back as Jared got more heated, surprised that such a little guy could yell so much. He looked over at Evan whose eyes were wide. With each word he seemed to curl more and more in on himself, flinching at the harsh tone Jared are taken up with him. Connor clenched his fists. No way was Jared getting away with this.

“Kleinman shut the hell up.” Connor said coldly. “I won't hesitate to beat your ass again.” Evan’s eyes widened, but he didn't say anything and kept his head down.

Jared's jaw clamped shut in surprise. His nostrils flared. He looked like he wanted to say something but was scared. “Look…” he started careful, voice wavering. “I just… im worried. And… and I might even miss you a little. Please… tell me what's going on?”

Evans head snapped up. He looked between Connor and Jared guiltily. He swallowed thickly and then started, “Y-yeah… yeah but… n-not here, please. P-please don't make me say it here.” Evans voice was soft and timid, pitiful almost.

“Of course not.” Connor replied, and took a step back towards his friend, wrapping an arm around his shoulder for support. Evan smiled his thanks up at him and leaned into it. “Where do you wanna go?”

“M-my house?” Evan asked, picking at his sweat shirt sleeves. “M-m-my moms actually in the school right now… she's uh, um, she's getting the w-w-w-w…” Evans eyes screwed close tightly as he struggled to continue and Connor gave him a gently squeeze in support. Jared watched skeptical of Connor’s every move. “The assignments I missed. She's g-getting them. And she's d-d-driving me home. C-could you guys c-come over? Please?”

Connor nodded. He was still visibly shaken, his hands holding a slight tremor, but Evan needed him. “Yeah, I'll meet you there okay? I'll take my own car?” Connor asked, meeting Evans hazy gaze.

Jared smirked, and the two boys fell apart from each other clumsily blushing furiously. “Murphy, there is no way in Jewish hell you can drive like that.”

Connor glared at him, nostrils flaring, knees wobbling. “Oh yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?”

“Drive you dumbass!” Jared declared proudly, his glasses still askew from when Connor had thrown him. Connor blinked. He didn't want Jared to drive him, but he wasn't able to come up with a good excuse as to why he shouldn't.

“I-I've got to go…” Evan muttered, throwing a glance towards where his mom had stepped out of the school building. “I'll see you g-guys there? P-promise?”

“Pinky promise bud.” Jared smiled, flashing hand guns and winking.

Evan rolled his eyes, as Connor shook his head, still pondering over how he got stuck shotgunning for the Jared Kleinman. He wasn't able to fixate on it long however, as suddenly Evan was standing on his tip toes and kissing his cheek and then turning to go, leaving Connor even more of a mess then before he left.

-

The ride to the Hansen's house wasn't long, but it was rough. Connor was almost glad he wasn't driving but was too proud to admit it. His face was still red, both from crying and blushing. His pulse was elevated, but he couldn't tell if that was from the fight or the kiss. His hands couldn't stop shaking, and he almost didn't want them to. It made him feel alive.

Jared drove like a manic, and Connor had half a mind to ask him if he even had his license, but he also didn't want to break the silence. It was awkward in the nice kinda way, the way in which Connor knew he didn't have to say anything, didn't want to say anything, and neither did Jared.

However, as they slowly approached Evans house one question kept itching at the back of his mind.

“Why did you volunteer to drive me?!” Connor blurted out. His chest felt unnaturally tight and his hands spamspeed next to his legs uncontrollably. The panic from earlier still lingered.

“What?!” Jared asked, taking his eyes off the road for just a second to take a look at Connor. “What the heck are you talking about.”

“I literally beat you up!” Connor mumbled, and sunk lower in his seat. The was air was stiff and smelled unpleasant. He crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to soothe himself. “You shouldn't want me anywhere near you! You should fucking hate me dude, be screaming in my face and shit!”

Jared heaved a heavy sigh through his nose, letting the directionals monotonous tick fill the heavy silence. “You're not a great person.” Jared finally started. Gee thanks Connor thought. “Heck, you might not even be a good person. But Evan cares about you. And that's what matters. He has good judgment, and I trust him.”

Connor blinked over at Jared in shock. “Really…?So just like that? We’re good?”

Jared shook his head as he pulled into Evan’s driveway and put the car in park. “Yeah, just like that or whatever.” He scrunched up his nose, obviously uncomfortable with talking about feelings, and quickly rerouted the subject. “But if you hurt Evan, I'll be the one beating your ass, got it?”

Connor smirked, a new fondness for the irritating brat warming his chest. “I wouldn't expect anything less.”

-

Jared didn't even bother ringing the doorbell, making Connor feel like an intruder. However, when Hedi Hansen smiled gently at him softly asked him to take his shoes off the tension melted from Connors shoulders. She offered him some apple juice, and Connor felt like he always did at Evans house, right at home.

Connor sat with Jared on the couch, letting Mrs.Hansen do her _mom_ thing, and worry about him, making small talk about school. Connor took note of the bags that rested under her eyes and the hunch in her shoulders. She looked unbelievably tired. Connor couldn't even begin to imagine what she must go through. He had a nanny who occasionally cleaned his house, and a stay at home mom. Mrs. Hansen did it all on her own. He was about to offer some assistance in putting away the dishes when Evan stumbled down stairs, looking desheviled.

“Sorry…” he mumbled sheepishly, shaggy hair ( _since when had it gotten so long?_ ) falling in front of his face “I was in the bathroom.”

“It's alright honey!” Hedi smiled, and leaned up to wrap her arm around her son's shoulders once he had gotten close. “You're friends are here now so you can play!”

“Mom!” Evan cried, obviously embarrassed. He pushed his mother off of him, much to her dismay. “Do you think you could give us some y-ya know… privacy?”

“Right, of course,” Hedi Hansen’s smile fell, but only for a second. She quickly put it back on and cupped her sons cheeks, looking at him with nothing but motherly love. “I'll uh, be in the kitchen if you need anything okay? Love you.” She then turned and disappear around the corner.

Evan groaned once she was fully out of ear shot and turned to his friends. “S-sorry about that.” He muttered, and sat on the couch, squished between Jared and Connor.

“Naw you're good homo-slice.” Jared smiled, feet up on the coffee table, completely at home. “You should be nicer to your mom though. She's great.” Evan just shrugged in reply and looked down at his lap.

Jared, never one to beat around the bush, spoke up again. “So, why’d you want us here anyways? Need some help getting your Eagle Scout badge?”

“Not exactly.” Evan laughed bitterly, an awkward silence lapsing between them. He was sitting abnormally still. There were none of his normally quirks and ticks.

“Okay, so, you killed a man?” Jared tried to joke, but no one laughed. He purses his lips, obviously uncomfortable with the tense situation. Jared was use to covering up his feelings with stupid antics and off handed humor, all this sincerity was making him squirm. Connor noticed however, and decided to take control of the situation.

“Then what?” Connor asked softly, carefully taking Evans hands in his. Evan perked up at the taller boy, and while Connor expected him to be disgusted, or afraid, he looked content. Evan looked like he trusted Connor. It made Connors heart soar.

“I uh…” Evan swallowed thickly and even Jared stopped fooling around, opting to sit still and pay closer attention to his best friend. “I… I tried to k-k-k… I tried to kill myself!” Evans body was stiff as he blurted it out. It looked like his whole body might fall apart if Connor let go of his hands. His eyes were screwed shut as he waited for the scrutiny of his friends.

Jared blinked, much faster at processing that information then Connor. “Is that why you were gone for so long?” He asked softly, almost afraid of the answer.

“Yeah…” Evan mustered, opening his eyes. “I was sent to a psych ward upstate…” Connor knew exactly what hospital he was talking about. “My mom found me on the… the… a-a-a-and she, she-she s-s-s-she….” Evan was starting to work himself up, rocking back and forth slowly and grappling the fabric of his pajamas in his sweaty hands.

“You don't have to talk about it.” Connor whispered quickly, watching as a thick tear fought to roll down Evans cheek. “It's alright.” He glared at Jared, asking him to get the fuck out. Jared got the message loud and clear. He stood up, patted Evan on the headed and started asking Hedi about her weekend plans.

Evan was still about to seriously freak out however, and Connor had to calm him down. He squeezed Evans hand and swallowed thick.

“Look,” Connor started softly. “Attempting suicide doesn't make you any less.” He leaned his head down, trying to make eye contact with Evan, but it didn't work. Connors own panic was clawing its way up his throat. He needed to help Evan.

“Hell, i’ve done it so many times that it doesn't even seem like that big of a deal anymore.” Connor laughed softly at the bitter memories, but quickly turned his attention back to his friend. “Point is, those feelings suck, and they're gross and they're messy. But they're real. And it's okay to get help… to...to acknowledge you need help.” Connor stopped for a second unsure of himself.

“The… the people in your life care about you Evan and they want you to be safe. I know all this bullshit I say is probably sappy and hypocritical, but people care. About you. I care. A little inconvenience to make sure you're alright is no big deal.” Connor sucked in a sharp breath. “A slip up here and there is alright. Just, don't ever let it get that bad. Because people love you.” _I love you._

Connor knew it wasn't enough. Nothing he would ever say could ever be enough to convince Evan that was worthy of being alive. But Connor would be damned if he didn't try.

Evan blinked rapidly, as if waking up from a stupor. He finally, finally, looked at Connor, eyes glazed over with tears, and nodded. “Yeah, okay.” He said as if he didn't believe, but really wanted to.

Connor smiled sadly and wrapped his arm around Evans shoulder, pulling him into his chest. He didn't care that his mom was in the other room. He didn't care that Jared could barge in at any second. He didn't care that he probably smelled like skunk and Zoe’s perfume. All Connor cared about was making sure Evan felt whole again.

Neither boy said a word as they leaned into each other, heart beats sinking and breaths mingling. Evan was warm and his hair soft against Connors cheek. Evan looked up, his green eyes so wide and innocent and wanting and Connor bent forwards without thinking.

They kissed.

Evan tasted like strawberries, minty toothpaste and lingering morning breath. His lips were chapped and timid but Connor carefully cupped his cheeks and showed him it was alright. He smelled like dirt, tears and shampoo. Evan was the first snow fall after a long summer and speeding down an empty highway, your hand out the car window. Evan was the soft twinkle of fairy lights and the crisp sound of leaves crunching under your feet on the perfect autumn day. Evan was playing in the rain and a good book, and a song you couldn't get out of your head.

Evan was home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's that! I hope you enjoyed this little story!  
> You can find me on radioactivehelena on tumblr if you want!


End file.
